Make a Metal Gear
by K Project
Summary: Metal Gear Solid and Katamari Damacy crossover. Snake meets his deadliest challenge yet. Can he save Earth from the giant ball of DOOM?
1. Infiltration

_Disclaimer: Everything and everyone from the Metal Gear Solid series belongs to Konami. Anything in this story from Katamari Damacy belongs to Namco._

A lone figure ducked behind a building, tossed a spent cigarette into the predawn shadows. The sun was just rising, but not a single other star was visible in the fading night sky. He knelt, reaching one hand up to his neck to activate the device implanted there.

"This is Snake. I'm in position. Otacon, do you read me?"

"Loud and clear, Snake. Now, let me fill you in on the current situation..."

∗∗∗

The Prince of All Cosmos sat upon his father's palm and listened patiently to the story he heard all too often. Inwardly, he sighed. Every so often, his father indulged a little too deeply. The next thing anyone knew, the stars had all been smashed into glittering pieces, and the noble Prince was assigned the task of rebuilding them from random bits of Earth junk. He never complained. When the King of All Cosmos gave you a job, you simply didn't question him. In fact, no one ever questioned him at all. The Prince rolled his trusty katamari wherever the King directed him, and that was everything he needed to know.

"Everything is clear, We assume," said the King. His voice was comparable only to a cosmic DJ with one hand on a turntable. "Don't presume to slack off, not on Our watch! Now go back to Earth and get us a great big katamari!"

The Prince nodded, and began his descent to the blue planet below.

∗∗∗

"Snake? Snake, do you read me?"

In a basement somewhere in New York City, a brown-haired man sitting in front of a computer pushed his glasses up and frowned slightly. Otacon hadn't heard any transmissions from Snake for some time.

"I read you, Otacon. It's just..."

"Just what? Snake, I hacked all of this information out of the Pentagon's top secret files myself. I know it sounds strange, but the stars are gone!"

Snake, huddling in his anonymous alley, gazed upwards. _Or you could look outside sometime, you geek..._

"Never mind," said Snake. "What do you want me to do about it?

"...And on top of that, a massive object was seen devastating several cities in Japan."

"Devastating? You don't think they've developed a Metal Gear?"

"No, that's the thing. There's no record of it anywhere. It first appeared as soon as the stars were reported missing. A large object, described as a ball of smaller objects, rolls into the city. Nothing is left behind. Nothing, not even the clouds!"

The former mercenary scratched his head. Otacon had sent Snake on some very, very odd missions. Snake still had nightmares of the time his partner had sent him off take a picture of some sea monster haunting the Big Shell and the universe almost collapsed in on itself. He always thought that nothing would ever top that ordeal. But now...

"And you think that thing's going to visit...what was this place called?"

"Pigeon Town. All the previous sightings of the giant ball have been in this area. I want you to be on your guard. I'll continue searching for more information from my end. Snake, stop the giant ball at all costs. Don't let that thing roll off with our entire world! And, er, if it's not too much to ask, could you get me some tentac-"

"Sorry, Otacon, I'm getting interference. Talk to you later."

Snake switched off the codec, checked his gear, and set off into the new day for some sign of this supposed "giant ball".

Meanwhile, Otacon flipped the tab on another can of his favourite ridiculously caffeinated soda. He sensed that this was going to be a long day.


	2. Encounter

The sun shone down from a ridiculously clear blue sky. It was peaceful; far too peaceful. Children played on the sidewalk and ducks swam in the lake. Somewhere, a radio played a cheerful pop song. People went about their business, and a sneaking suit-clad stealth operative of the highest order went unseen amongst them.

Mostly because no one so much as batted an eye at the large man with the gun walking down the middle of the street.

_This is officially the most ridiculous mission I've ever been on,_ thought Snake. _I haven't seen a sign of this supposed "giant ball" all morning._

He paused to "liberate" a takoyaki from a street vendor, and nibbled on it as he continued the search. According to Otacon, this area was due to be attacked by some kind of giant ball made of smaller objects. Ridiculous. There was nothing around here like that, except for the tiny ball that just ran into his ankle.

_Wait...what was that?_

Snake looked down just in time to see a studded ball encrusted with dropped cookies and bits of chalk. It was being pushed by what appeared to be a tiny little green man.

The mercenary paused, blinked a few times, then ran off after the ball.

∗∗∗

Otacon heard the beep of an incoming codec call, and brushed a stack of empty soda cans aside to answer. "How's it going, Snake?"

"Otacon, we've got a problem. I found your giant ball, but it's-"

"That's great, Snake! I'll scramble the stealth bombers, and we'll bring that sucker in!"

There was a pause at the other end of the line. "...We have stealth bombers?"

Otacon blushed. "Well, no. I've just always wanted to say that. Anyway, is the ball small enough to capture? I'd like to have a chance to study it up close."

"Well...uh...no."

∗∗∗

Snake cursed silently. The ball had rolled away from him too quickly, and when he caught sight of it again it was large enough to devour street signs. It was mesmerizing, really. The thing just kept absorbing everything in its' path. He couldn't think of a single way to stop it. _Otacon _would_ want to study this thing. Too bad I couldn't bring anything more damaging than a handgun. Wait, I do have something that might work..._

Snake tugged a grenade off his belt, ripped the pin out, and lobbed it at the ball, sticking. A few seconds later, it blew off a few smaller items, which were quickly rolled back up again.

_I guess not._

Snake retreated into an alley to plan his next move, not noticing that the ball was hot on his trail.

"ARGH!"

∗∗∗

_Bonsai Display...Flower Girl...Solid Snake...Copy Machine..._

Mentally, the Prince tallied the items in his precious katamari. It was now nearly large enough to become a star. His father would be pleased, and the Prince would be one step closer to finishing his task. Yes, everything was turning out alright.

∗∗∗

The young, pretty girl trapped beside him flailed her limbs wildly. Snake snuck a peek down her shirt. _Not bad at all. I'd be more angry about being stuck on a giant ball of crap if there wasn't a hot girl so close to my..._

A jolt interrupted Snake's train of thought. The ball was much more awkward than it appeared. It kept bumping into buildings and things that it wasn't large enough to pick up. Every little rattle shook the soldier's entire body and everything he carried. He tried to lift an arm and activate his codec again, but every part of him was as stuck as though he were a piece of iron on the mother of all magnets.

Snake sighed. Every time the ball rolled over he was crushed a little bit closer to the attractive flower girl.

_Can't do anything about this situation...can't get off the ball, either. What the hell do I _do

Just then there was a great commotion. The ball had apparently become lodged in between a truck and the wall of a tunnel. Items were flying off right and left, and Snake flew with them. He lay, battered, on the pavement, but didn't feel as though anything serious was injured. To Snake's utter relief, the ball rolled off in the opposite direction, not bothering to reclaim him.

Snake sent out a call to Otacon. "Otacon! I'm coming home. There's nothing I can do here. If you hadn't wasted our weapons budget on video games, maybe I'd have something that could destroy that ball."

"But Snake! It's not my fault that they finally released-" Otacon rattled off a stream of acronyms that Snake could never keep straight.

"Look, just get to have me out of here."

He glanced at the unconscious flower girl lying beside him. Looking around, he scooped her into his arms.

"And I'll have company."

"Gotcha. See you in a few hours, Snake."

On the other side of the Pacific, Otacon alt-tabbed out of the game he'd been playing and began to arrange for some transport.

Carrying the girl, Snake walked off to the agreed-upon pickup point. Somewhere in the distance, a giant gray hand reached out of the sky and grabbed the ball of stuff. Snake shook his head. He never would have believed it had he not already seen enough odd things today.

∗∗∗

The Prince of All Cosmos hung his tiny head in shame. He had not performed to his royal father's exacting standards, and would now pay the price.

"Oh, dear. Oh dear dear dear, this will not do at all." Chilling sheets of rain poured down as the King squealed his displeasure. "Such a tiny katamari. Such a puny little thing. What are We to do with such a worthless katamari?"

The Prince shivered. His father's words were always harsh when he failed at what should have been a simple task.

"Fortunately, " continued the King, "We are merciful, yes We are! We shall send you to this city, New York, and there you will roll for Us a bigger, better, more beautiful katamari!"

The Prince rejoiced! His father was giving him another chance!

"Well then, off you go."

The Prince grabbed a new katamari and prepared to descend to Earth.

"...And We are most pleased that you succeeded at the other task We gave you."


	3. Epilogue

A few weeks later, all was calm and clear at the dank basement that Philanthropy's two members called home. Otacon was tapping away at some shiny new imported tactical RPG while Snake lay on the stained couch with an adult publication lying open on his lap.

"Hey, Otacon?" Snake called. "Any more signs of that giant ball?"

The other man paused the game and glanced at his computer. "No, nothing on the radar. I haven't heard any reports about that thing in ages. Maybe it got scared off when it saw you coming?"

"I doubt that. And I'd rather not repeat that day in Pigeon Town." Snake still had a few bruises from the few moments he'd spent as part of the ball.

"Hey, that reminds me. Where's Sakura? I wanted to show her something."

"Oh, she went home. Apparently I'm too manly for her, and her city needs its' flower girls." Snake got up, began to pace. His girly mag fluttered to the ground. "Say, do you hear something?"

∗∗∗

From the depths of one of the Patriots' strongholds, an elderly but far from frail man picked up the ringing phone. The call was right on schedule, just the way he liked it.

"Hello, sir. Might I say that it is quite an honour to speak to such a distinguished leader as yourself?"

He smiled, faintly, as the personage on the other end made his inquiries. It was more of an honour to be able to report the death of his greatest enemy.

"No, sir. Philanthropy HQ was directly in the katamari's path. There were no survivors. No one escaped, I'm sure of it. We know Snake's habits quite well by now. It was a simple matter to find his base of operations, thanks to the tracking bug that your son planted on him. We have yet to produce an agent capable of taking out Solid Snake, and we thank you for your...assistance."

Idly, he twirled a revolver, the former half of his codename, around a finger as the scratchy voice of the speaker on the other end continued.

"Oh, I agree, sir. Children can be troublesome, but at least your son has succeeded this time. We will do our part, and develop the Great Cosmo Metal Gear as promised."

He looked around. It was fairly barren down in the Patriots' basement. Pinned to one wall was a photograph and bio of one of their other projects, a blonde former child soldier. Ocelot had heard that they had something special planned for this one.

"Of course, sir. Snake is your prisoner, and you may do with him as you wish, as long as he never troubles Earth again. I believe that we have nothing more to discuss, sir. Goodbye. Again, it is truly an honour to work with you...Your Majesty."

_Click._


End file.
